Writing on the Wall

Matt broke the mop.  I should have seen this coming, he broke it the last time he touched it. But people he is a smart one:

He is sitting on the floor with his ELECTRIC SCREW DRIVER trying to fix it.  Yeap, it is plastic, and wet.  electricity. wet. metal. plastic.  What do you think will win?

He just yelled, "You are so lucky to have me."

RIIIIIGHHHHHTTTTT.

1 more section of the paper, then presentation. T-minus 11.5 hours.

I have a paper due in 11 hours.  I am no way near done.  At the same time I have to do a presentation that I haven't started.  I keep saying that I can pull the presentation off, but I am a little scared.  And I don't want to do this anymore.

My husband, the ever attentive man he is has decided to clean the house tonight.  In his effort he is cleaning the floor.  He asked me how much pine sol to use.  I told him to pour the rest of the bucket in and call it good.  I think I was VERY wrong.  It smells like a fucking forest in here and he hasn't even started mopping.  I am going to be high on cleaning fumes in about 5 minutes.  Help me lord. 

(I am sure I will be back later.  I will need the distraction.)

So I was watching “Who’s Line is it Anyway” and Colin and Ryan were doing a skit with Wayne Brady.  They started talking about Sting, you know the gorgeous tantric sex loving singer, and Colin looks at Ryan and says:

“Do you think that when Sting retires he will change his name to Stung?”

Right then a little pee came out of me from the laughter.

Now THAT is funny.

I did the bachelorette/bachelor party thing of a couple of friends of Matt and I.  Nick and Ashley are putting on the old ball and chain here in May and we all went out to celebrate.  This evening was marked by a few fun events:

1. Me having a shot of Jaeger and not throwing up.
2. Going to the comedy club for the first time (I wasn’t overly impressed)
3. Matt’s friends terribly drunk and me sitting back and watching.
4. Strange college dude walking up to our group and PEEING his pants right in front of us. 
5. One of the girls participating in bush peeing in Tempe and not getting stopped by the cops
6. The bride and groom having a fabulous time out with their friends
7. Watching a stupid car accident of idiots hitting a PARKED CAR
8. Dancing with Ashley’s sisters
9. I learned to add Citrus Vodka to the top of a Corona.  It is actually very good. 
10. Only ONE girl getting too drunk and getting kicked out of the bar.
11. FUN PICTURES! (Possibly loaded later)

Hope you had as much fun as I did Ashley.  Congrats!!!!

Well I broke down and did it.  I went to the dentist.  I haven’t been since I was early in my college years.  I know, GASP, how could you go that long?  Well at the time it frankly didn’t seem that important and I was too concerned about my drinking habits then the well being of my teeth to care.  There I admit it.  I love beer.  But I decided to bite the bullet and go.  I pay for the coverage at work and I should make my money worth dang it. 

So I walked in at noon, full well knowing that I would be required to change my name due to my marriage and my address and such. This process seems to take exponentially longer each time I do it.  But its painless and a necessary evil of the nuptials. 

Down to the teeth.  God bless it, I had not a single full on cavity in my mouth people!  I had been scared about this dark spot on a tooth for a couple of months, which made me think it was time to go in.  But I found out that it was a filling.  I was slightly embarrassed to find out that I had mistaken a previous problem for a new problem, but relieved to know that I don’t have to go under the needle of Novocain for a fixer-up.

The best part of it is, after the cleaning I needed to get lunch.  So I stopped by the local Rubio’s to pick something up and head back to the office.  While I was walking out, who walks in?  Oh none other than the dental hygienist who just cleaned my teeth.  She looked at me and said “dirtying your teeth already?” all I could think to do was say “Absolutely!” and ran like a bat out of hell.  The shame.

So last night our neighbor behind us came over to ask us to cut our bushes.  Apparently the plants that we already hate are also bothering them by going into their pool and causing them to clean more.  I am not irritated by the request.  I understand that you don’t want to have your pool dirty.  But I was annoyed for several reasons”

1. He asked for Matt and didn’t want to talk to me.  Only after he tried to look through our gate and see if Matt was actually there did he say to me “well can I talk to you?” WHAT???  Am I supposed to be some little lady that can’t take care of her own house?
2. When he came to the gate I asked “did our dogs do something?” and instead of saying no, the man said “NOT YET.”  If they didn’t do anything then LEAVE THEM OUT OF IT AND TELL ME THAT YOU THINK THEY ARE CUTE.  That would help with the blow of your criticism. 
3. BE NICE when you request someone to do something to their property.  It would be just as easy for you to cut the parts that bother you on the back side of what I can’t see then for me to do it.

But this isn’t what made the encounter memorable.  Matt didn’t get home until 9:30 last night and as I was heating up his dinner I told him the story.  Now if you are like us, the moment you walk through that door you take off your professional clothes and walk around in grubs.  Matt took off his pants and shirt and stood there in black boxers, white t-shirt and black socks. An outfit that always TURNS ME ON. 

After I finished my story he looked at me and said “I have no time to do take care of this unless I do it right now.” So he put back on his shoes and got clippers and walked out into the back yard to clip the bushes back.  In his BOXERS and undershirt. 

I stood in the way of the sliding glass door watching him go to town and whack all of these bushes off.  If this isn’t what the man wanted, then I don’t frankly know how to please him.  But I for one was VERY pleased by the end of the evening.

Matthew graduates in 239 days!  Less than 8 months.  Beware people: this might be the beginning of the apocalypse.

When discussing with a colleague the licensing rights of a product called Citrix Server, please follow the following steps for your own safety:

1. Please make sure that you do not lose your cool no matter how wrong the other person is.
2. Do not raise your voice at other person as if that person will finally hear you and come to the conclusion that they are indeed wrong.
3. Do not choose to yell CERVIX SERVER instead of the actual product name (Citrix Server) when voice is particularly loud and angry. This can cause an awkward pause in conversation and others around to shake uncontrollably from the laughter.

If you have committed above offenses, the following suggestions are made:

1. Laugh hysterically and apologize up and down.  Attempt really bad joke to cover.
2. Run or hang up phone as quickly as possible.  Conversation cannot recover after said offense.
3. Don’t talk to the person the entire next day out of humiliation
4. Shake it off and proceed to tell everyone what a fucking idiot you actually are.

Only following the above prescribed directions will come close to allowing such an offense to blow over. And perhaps you will need pigs to fly and something about the freezing of hell.

Thank you for providing me the substance that keeps me awake day in and day out at work.  It’s splendor makes all thing happy, my suppliers not scared to talk to me at 7 in the morning, and the lights not nearly as bright and menacing as they could be.  But you and I need to have a serious talk. 

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN!  I was without my happy drug for more than a week.  All machines in the building out of both 12 oz. and 24 oz. options, and me left to fend for the last for the last of the available Diet Coke with Lime, a far third choice in the world of Coca-Cola options.  And then to find out that when you added that second button onto the machine, the button that gave me hope that I would no longer be without my love juice that made my life whole, was a lie.  A LIE!!!!  The button was merely a “fake” button.  One that led to the SAME GOD DAMN row as the other button. 

I had spent hours at work trying to decide which button to choose from, which would more people take from - the top button or the bottom button?  How would I ensure that the most soda possible was placed back into the machine?  Make both rows seem like they have been equally used, or continue to take from one and leave one potentially full.  Would that make you think that people don’t like the one thing that makes me happy for my full eight hours and you give the extra row back to that wretched C2 crap?  How can I maximize the usage of the extra row?  But lies, all lies in your crappy excuse of a second button. 

And this wasn’t the end.  You didn’t fill the other machine!!  The secondary machine in the cafeteria!  How can you possibly leave one machine empty!  Have you not learned your lesson from my already frantic stares and exhausted sounding complaints?  Do you not understand the gravity of the situation?  If you have no intention to come back before your next ‘round’ of machine filling, then I will have to take matters in my own hands.  You heard me.  IN MY OWN HANDS.  I may actually have to carry a 12-pack, or perhaps even a whole CASE of soda in and keep it at my desk for consumption.  Me – walking in a ¼ mile lugging 24 cans of delicious, cancer inducing drug into the workplace!  No more money for you on your route!  Your income down the drain!  How could you live with yourself!

Please, for your good and mine, just fill the machines.  Don’t leave me hanging here in a comatose state with no caffeine or ability to calmly work with anyone that even says hello. 

~RLDW