Writing on the Wall

A good one for the week:

A very unattractive, nasty, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids.

The Wal-Mart Greeter asks, "Are they twins"?

The ugly woman snarls, "Hell no, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7.  Do you think they really look alike?" 

"Hell no", replied the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice"

Is it just me or does this man have the largest hair known to man?  I mean seriously, who would want to sit behind him at a movie?

This is rock producer Phil Spector, who is on trial for murder.  I think he is going to make the perfect bitch for another inmate. Maybe he will let them comb out the knots.

This will be me in about 5 months. . . ..

A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basics.
"How much do you weigh?" she asks.
"115," she says.
The nurse puts her on the scale. It turns out her weight is 140.
The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 foot 8," she says.
The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5 foot 5.
She then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman it is very high.
"OF COURSE IT'S HIGH!" she screams, "When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"

    A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.   The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich,
"What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact
change. This becomes routine until, the two enter again.

"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.

  "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for
anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there." 

 "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

 "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a nice butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say."...

- RLDW

Here is some philosophy:  There are three kinds of people in this world, those who can count and those that can not.

Some people are like Slinkies...
Not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to
your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.

Say, "Please.  We have more baggage combined than a Louis Vuitton Store."

Oh my, it is a wonder that I kept my pee in. 

The French Leader got a coded message from Bush Administration.
It read: S370HSSV-0773H
The French were stumped and sent for the French Information Agency.
The FIA was stumped too, so it went to the Russians.
The Russians couldn't solve it either, so they asked the Germans.
The Germans, having received this same message during W.W.II from the Americans, suggested turning it upside down ...